mr. monkeybottoms' wild ride of wacky funtime reading

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 04:45:32 GMT

i'm a poop face!

lololol

oh no i'm coming down the stairs!

Oh WoW, you are so funny!

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 03:54:46 GMT

Leeeeeeroyyyyyyy Jennnnnkinsssss!

www.youtube.com/watch

P.S. Yes, the shameful truth comes out...I don't know how to embed. I do what it says...but it no worky. I suck.

P.P.S. Yay! ms_scarletibis showed me the way. I really do suck cause it was both easy and obvious. Wheee!

I hate my cell phone, suckers. Stupid Razr or whatever it is called. I don't even care anymore.

Thu, 28 May 2009 17:39:53 GMT

Ok, so my cell phone is mostly broken. Out of the blue, yesterday, a piece falls out of the top and suddenly the buttons on the left side won't work. Then the front screen won't work. Today, both front AND inside screens don't work. Wtf Motorola? Wtf? It's like 2 years old. Stupid piece of crap.

No problem, I say to myself. I've ordered a new phone and used up all those old Fido dollars. Cool. I'll just go and pull out one of my old cell phones from my drawers and use it for the week until new, cool phone arrives. No problem.

Things found in my drawers:

-tons of old restaurant receipts from when Kevin was self-employed last year. Forgot to give them to him when we filed taxes. BLERG.
-love letters from my Mom's married lover, given to me by her ex-boyfriend (not the married lover) when she passed away last year. Ew.
-the stuffed banana lovebytez made me. Awwwww! *heart*
-old Neil Diamond concert ticket YES!
-old Beach Boys concert ticket NO! Worst. Concert. Ever.
-cardboard 3-D glasses from 'Spy Kids 3' Yes, really. Also, why?
-a Canada Savings Bond for $100 for B2. Oh yeah....I should give that to her
-pearls from my pearl necklace that I wore on my wedding day that is broken thanks to B1 and B2. Jerks!
-4 different chargers for old cell phones
-funny picture of Kyle and old girlfriend wearing matching 'Roots' sweatshirts at a party. HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAAAH!!!
-Canadian Tire money totaling a cool $0.20
-one Swiffer duster sans duster
-D1's grade 4 report card. (she graduated last year)
-a jumbo pack of sewing needles
-small bottle of spirt gum for applying fake mustaches
-a bag of dog biscuits
-a bag of jelly beans. Oooh, score. Nomnomnom
-a bag of door stops. What the hell?
-the pinking shears I was looking for yesterday
-a box of really cute Xmas cards (I don't send them, I just get them because they are pretty. I always *act* like I am going to send them, for SURE, THIS time...but I don't)
-more Canadian Tire money, to the mind-boggling amount of $0.10
-the warranty to my brand-new ShamWow! I haven't used it yet but I bet I'll say wow.

Guess what I didn't find in my drawers? A CELL PHONE. I doubt that I have ever thrown one away, and yet they are not there. I have 4 old chargers, but no old cell. DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Ok, maybe not you. But....YOU for sure!

Edited to add: And now there is no sound. There is power, cause the number screen lights up. But no display and no sound. So it is officially done. Why God, why?????? Stupid stupid phone. I curse you! I curse you like the Gypsy woman in those scary trailers for the movie where she has to go to hell! You go to hell too, phone! You go to hell and you die!

I guess I should stop procrastinating and go jog. BLERG!

Edited to add again: Went jogging. Pants fell down. BLERG!

No. Just, no.

Mon, 11 May 2009 03:40:12 GMT

IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE IT'S...oh wait, my caps lock was on.

If there's one thing I hate it's the fact that, for some inexplicable reason, old gross men find me both attractive and apparently eager to be hit on by old gross themselves.

Now, before I go on I have to put a disclaimer:

When I say old gross men I am obviously not talking about my husband. Ok Kevin? Happy now? Geeze, you put one Twitter update about being a magnet for old fat men and all your friends jump all over that. Thanks, friends. Thanks for mutton.

Anyways, I don't know what it is but it is starting to bug me. Take, for instance, the guy that comes into the bank where I work. He comes in quite often, and he always follows the same pattern: arrives an hour early for his appointment, asks me if we have any decaf, I say no but offer to make him a pot just for him (hoping he will say no, like any other rational person) he says yes, drinks 2 cups, then asks me to take him to the washroom.

And this is where it...whoa whoa whoa! The Princess Bride is on! Oooh, that Cary Elwes is mighty fine in that movie. As you wish, eh? Heheheheheh.

Ok ok, so where was I?

And this is where it always gets icky. Obviously, being a bank, we don't have a public washroom. So I have to take him way into the back of our huge bank, past the huge locked door that reaches all the way to the ceiling, past the cublicles, past the lunchroom, down the hall, past the book vault and down the other hall to our washrooms.

As we walk he always says the same thing, "My wife gets mad at me for talking to the girls here. Heheheheh. You're pretty. Hehehehe. Your hair is pretty. Hehehehe."

This makes my skin crawl, and I am hard to creep out. Honestly, I am. It's just that he makes me do it every time he comes, twice a night and he's very very icky with his missing teeth, pot belly, balding head and creepy chuckle. Apparently he also has terrible gas because in his appointments with the manager he always lets 'er rip and stinks up the room. NICE.

Sometimes his wife comes too. When she does she tells him not to be ridiculous when he asks for decaf. The last time they came I made a point of gauging her expression when we returned from the ritualistic bathroom trip and she WAS mad! Yikes. She's always nice to me at least.

There was a 6 week run where he came in every Thursday. Lucky me. HOW FLATTERING. Thank you Jesus!

Then one morning I was stopped at a red light and checking the status of my hair. I happened to glance over to the right to the man in the car next to me. He grinned and blew me a kiss. The guy looked exactly like Rene Angelil. You know, Celine Dion's husband?

YEAH. GREAT.

Seriously, if I wasn't 100% positive that were would be no reason in hell that Rene would be in Winnipeg I would have sworn it was him. But, more importantly, WTF? Why God, why?

Oh, and then to top off my run of lame I had this loser guy say to me, as we chatted while he was at the bank, "Candies huh? Candies are so full of sugar. People like you and me need to stay away from them." And then he proceeded to motion towards his midsection. Really, buddy? Really? You just don't say that to a girl, jackass. I've been working out again, so there! And my body is a work in progress, ok?! Geeze!

...I'm kinda dizzy right now from scrubbing my shower with bleach cleaner.

Oh, we bought 30 Rock season 1 and 2 and we've all been watching it. Apparently I am Liz Lemon. And 'Lanie' from Seinfeld. I'm okay with that.

Always prepared to fight evil and save the world.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 04:27:26 GMT

After work I went to the Superstore and did some grocery shopping. I always have good intentions of hurrying, going in and out, all business and no pleasure but it inevitably spirals into me strolling down the makeup isles and the appliance isles and the gardening sections and suddenly my no-nonsense shop has turned into me being there for over an hour.

While I was lollygagging around the yogurt I noticed that I could hear strange noises drifting in and out over the music and the general crowd shopping sounds. Strange, scary noises. Strange, unclear and dangerous shouting noises. Now, being the clever, levelheaded person that I am, I immediately knew what it was.

Zombies.

Ok, so maybe it turned out not to be zombies after all. Maybe it turned out to be the stupid fit people doing their stupid step class in the gym that is in the upper level of the Superstore. And maybe it actually took me some time to figure out where the muffled shouting and stomping noises were coming from. Maybe I had to wander through the meat isle over to the bakery before I figured it out.

Wait...I lost my train of thought.

Anyways, it's good to know that I am always prepared. For...stuff.

Hey suckers

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 00:26:22 GMT

Can someone please link me to a download for season 5 eps 1 and 2 of Lost? I would be forever grateful and send you naked pictures...maybe of me, maybe of someone else, maybe your Mom. Maybe I'll send the pictures I took of you when I was peeking through your windows that time. Who knows what kinds of nakedness you will get. Who knows...

Thanks, suckers!!

Hey there suckers! Say hi to your Mother for me.

Sat, 07 Feb 2009 10:55:32 GMT

Here's a list of upcoming entries...that will be...coming...up. Soon. Yay!

1. B1 collapses after her ski trip and we take her to the ER. Shenanigans abound! SPOILER ALERT: B1 survives and becomes first woman President.

2. My new job. SPOILER ALERT: It rules and I become first woman President.

3. mr. monkeybottoms gets two ''celebrities' confused. Hilarity ensues. SPOILER ALERT: My dog becomes first woman President. Also likes to dig holes in backyard.

4. F YOU MICHAEL MOORE. SPOILER ALERT: I become first woman President and pass bill to ban douchebaggery in all forms, especially 'film maker' Michael Moore 's crapfest 'Sicko' . Also: Michael Moore is a douchebag.

5. Movies I've seen that you should see. Because I say so. SPOILER ALERT: I am elected first woman President and invent Big Mac that makes you lose weight and also tones tummy. World rejoices.

STAY TUNED for these exciting updates, suckers!

I put the 'ass' in Merry XmASS!

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 07:17:35 GMT

The best present evah!

Tue, 09 Dec 2008 05:22:23 GMT

I think I have spoken often and at great length about my love for Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe . They are numbers 1, 2 and 3 on The List. If you missed any of my posts about them, here's a quick recap:
1. Jeff Goldblum

“Eventually, you do plan to have dinosaurs on your dinosaur tour, right?"

Remember when he came out of that steambath thingy in Earth Girls are Easy? Yeah. Awesome. Really, really awesome. And remember how charming he was in Jurassic Park? And how he saved the planet in Independence Day. And how icky he got in The Fly...ok, that was a little disturbing. The point is, I love me some Jeff Goldbum. I also love it when other celebs do Jeff Goldblum impersonations. SO FUNNY.

2. Christopher Walken

“Kill them both. We’re missing Antiques Roadshow.”

What's to say that hasn't been said by everyone in the world already? The SNL skits about cowbells and The Continental are but a drop in the bucket of awesome. His dancing for Weapon of Choice both rocked and rolled, he stole the show in Pulp Fiction, he oozed power in Suicide Kings even while spending most of the tied to a chair and he even made Balls Of Fury watchable as the evil Feng. I don't care how old he is or gets, he will always be on my list. Even when he dies. So there. Also, the only thing funnier than a Jeff Goldblum impersonation is a Christopher Walken impersonation.

3. Willem Dafoe

"Sorry I'm late. Work was murder."

Yeah. Ok. Hot. Whew. Aright, back to business. WiIlem is money. I mean, the guy had to act out lame 'kinky' sex scenes with Madonna in Body of Evidence, so that alone makes him a hell of an actor. He wore a cute hat in The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, he played the creepy vampire to perfection in Shadow of the Vampire, he got shot beautifully in Platoon and let's not forget his sexy Norman Osborne/Green Goblin brilliance. I was in Dafoe Heaven for this entire laboratory scene as Kyle rolled his eyes beside me. When we left he said, "So..I suppose you were all excited when Willem had his shirt off." and was all, "YES" and he was all, "What about when Tobey had HIS shirt off?" and I stopped walking and answered, "Tobey had his shirt off in the movie?" I think that says it all. Oh yeah, and the guy played JESUS.

The entire reason for this recap, as delightful as it is for me, is because Kyle's girlfriend Rachel sent me the best present in the entire world. Kyle, Rachel has taken your place as my friend. You're like, I dunno...second string friend. So suck it.

I'd embed this...BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW. I can only figure out how to embed my own Elf Yourselves, not ones that were sent to me. It won't let me embed this one. Technology is hard, yo. So click on the link and then read my reaction below.

elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/Q511eMmOP0yIC8ewFrC2

ME: *gasps* This is the best thing IN THE WORLD!!
RACHEL: Hahahahaah!
ME: *watching* Jeff Goldblum, Willem Dafoe...OMG look at Christopher Walken! Wait...who's that other guy....WHAT! Brian Dennehy! I told you guys I don't like him anymore! That was like, 20 years ago omg! And it was only for like, a week!
RACHEL: Hahahahaah!

Guide me, oh wise ass flist. GUIDE ME. Suckers.

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 03:16:46 GMT

A few months ago I decided I'd had enough. I made an executive decision. I bought myself a new computer. Not just any computer, but a laptop. And not just any laptop, a MacBook. Yay!

Only wait. One of the things I was really looking forward to doing with my new computer was vidding. I've had two vids mapped out in my head for years now and yesterday I was struck with a new vid idea so brilliant it made my head spin with the brilliance of the brilliant idea. And then the vid idea sparkled in the sun like a million sparkly things. I call it 'Vidlight'

YAY. What are you waiting for, you say. Come on monkeybottoms. Show us this so-called 'brilliant' video if you're so smart. FINE. I WILL.

Only I can't. All my editing programs are for PCs. OMGWTF. Whyyyyyy? Why didn't I think of that when I ran all willy-nilly to the nearest store, grabbed the nearest hot salesman and shouted in his face, "I NEED A MACBOOK RIGHT NOW OR I WILL DIE FOR REALZ!" Why didn't I remember that I didn't have Photoshop for a Mac or Premiere for a Mac? I mean sure, having the built in webcam is awesome for my online sex shows (hahah, kidding. Or am I?) but it isn't good for the one thing I was really looking forward to doing with it. The world needs yet another BTVS video in it and I need to give it one.

So: suggestions. I needs 'em. What do you Macbook peeples use? Final Cut is sooo expensive. What else is good?

Also: All helpful replies will receive naked pictures of ME. NAKED. In picture form. For real! I swear! Suckers!

What up, suckers?

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 00:48:02 GMT

I went to go visit my Grandpa at the nursing home on Sunday. The staff was just getting him up and were washing and dressing him so I wandered over to the 'library' section to find something to read while I waited. The library is just a lot of books shoved into a couple of long shelves that no one can reach because it is too high up. I had to stand on my actual tippy toes to reach the book I wanted and by that I mean I went on pointe like a ballerina. And no, in my years of ballet and jazz I never went on pointe so it was not a pleasant experience.

What caught my eye that I put myself through such turmoil to reach it?

Ah yes, we meet again, Kathleen E. Woodiwiss. How fondly I recall reading 'Shanna' and 'The Flame and the Flower' and 'Ashes in the Wind' and 'The Wolf and the Dove' and...all those other ones. It's been years since my historical romance book kick and now you tempt me with a free book.

So I totally stole it. What? I'll bring it back. It SAID 'library'. GOD.

That night I settled in for a fun read.

Two pages in and I was confused. Was her writing always this...lame? This is making Twilight look like Shakespeare:

"Despite Cerynise's efforts to banish her sorrow, soft lips trembled back from fine, white teeth as a new rush of tears welled up to blur the thickly fringed hazel eyes."

Wait...what? What the hell? That was awful. And it was just getting worse:

"Never again would the two of them enjoy delightful little chitchats over brimming cups and crumpets or sit together in the evening before a cheery, heartwarming fire while Cerynise read aloud to the older woman from a treasured book of verse or fiction. The sitting room would no longer be imbued with the lilting strains of melodies which Cerynise has sung while Lydia played the pianoforte. Neither would they traverse a bustling strand together nor share their thoughts while strolling along the banks of the Serpentine in Hyde Park, nor would they simply enjoy the presence of the other in the peace and serenity of the glade. Forever gone would be her guardian's gentle support, which, despite-"

OK. FUCK. WE GET IT. Holy crap, seriously.

Hmmm...I wonder what one of her gowns looks like?

"An hour later, Cerynise felt quite civilized garbed in a pale peach gown."

Oh good. That sounds pretty.

"Tiny tucks were sewn in multiple V's down the front of her short-waisted bodice, and a stiffly pleated , silkier fabric served as a ruff of sorts."

Ah. All right. Now, what was she about to...oh wait, there's more:

"Satiny threads of the same hue finished the edge of the fabric, causing the pleats to flare charmingly outward from beneath her jaw like the petals of a flower."

That's great. Now, about the story-

"The sleeves were long and generously puffed at the tops, but closely fitted otherwise, ending at her wrists with a scalloped treatment of flaring pleats."

Wow, she really went into detail about those sleeves. And she really likes talking about pleats.

"A trio of pleated flounces, as long as her forearm, cascaded in tiers down the skirt."

YES. PLEATS. GREAT. STOP PLZ.

It goes on and on and on blah blah blah.

This book should have been called, "Just Like all My Other Books Yay!" cause it's just like all her other books, yay! Only not yay. More like booo. I was left wondering what was with Kathleen's obsession with women losing their virginity to a guy that is either really drunk and confused or running a huge fever that leaves them completely delirious. Apparently it's a proven fact that in the olden days men got really horny when their temperatures got over 100 degrees or they were blind drunk. WTF Kathleen E. Woodiwiss? WTF?

I guess I should be glad that I no longer think this kind of crap is good writing. Damn, another piece of my youth DESTROYED, like the time I realized that The A Team sucked balls.

Cake for breakfast

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:18:49 GMT

There is nothing better than starting your day with a big-ass piece of white cake for breakfast. Mmmm! Cake! Cake with icing that doesn't have a lick of dairy in it...that sounds nutritious! So I already suck as far as healthy eating goes. Yay me!

Here's a few fun facts!

1. Reno 911: Miami is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen OMG. I love stupidity. Please let me know if you also love this movie so I can squee in delight with you. I'd gush about my favorite parts but the entire movie is my favorite part and that would just mean I'd quote the whole thing, which I might even be able to do, seeing as I have watched it at least 15 times. I have it on my iPod and I watch/listen to it when I am stuck in traffic. I am stuck in traffic a lot. Winnipeg's roads are STUPID.

2. Speaking of Winnipeg, I hear we are being featured on The Office this week. OMG HAHAH. Someone at work said they called it "the Scranton of the north" which makes me laugh.

3. I am addicted to sticky rice wrapped in lotus leaves. OMG SO GOOD.

4. My sister had twins. What a copy cat OMG.

Their names are Joshua and Jordan. Kevin took the picture. It proves the theory that babies are sleeping up in heaven on fluffy clouds and just waiting for the stork to come get them and leave them in the pumpkin patch. Case closed.

5. My oldest daughter is 18. OMG WTF.

From this..

To this grown up person!

I have no idea how this happened. I mean, it was just yesterday that she was freaking out in the car because "the moon is following me! Make it STOP FOLLOWING ME!!!" Thanks, Amma, for telling your granddaughter that she is 'never alone and the moon will always watch you wherever you go.' That wasn't quite as comforting to D1 as you may have thought it was going to be.

High five! SUCK IT, HIGH SCHOOL!

After last year's fiasco of a Halloween costume I decided OMG, I'd do something less mannish and more ZOOT ALORES!

Ooh la la! Je suis Francais!

Note the gloves, red lipstick, baguette, beret and red wine. ALL FRENCH PEOPLE LOOK JUST LIKE THIS. Case closed.

In other news, this is how I spend most of my free time: dlisted.com/node/29141
OMG!

Wait...what?

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 05:12:53 GMT

There was an election? Wow, I had no idea. I mean...I didn't hear anything about it on TV or the papers or magazines or the radio or Joe the plumber. And I definitely haven't hear a PEEP about it on my flist.

Who's this Obama guy?

And all this time I though Sarah Palin was a new SNL character.

Only about a million things have changed. Here's a few!

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 05:28:41 GMT

Hey suckers! I have had one heck of a busy, crazy whirlwind ride of a year. I keep meaning to post but then more crazy whirlwind things happen and I get all busy and stuff. It sucks cause then I'm doing stuff and not updating and then I think "hey I should update" and then I fall asleep cause I'm exhausted. But I will try to do a quick catch-up:

Grandpa got really sick and almost died and was in the hospital for a long time. Then he was in a different hospital, in the geriatric ward, which sucked. His dementia just got so bad that we were forced to put him there. Luckily he is in a nursing home now, close to our house. He seems pretty happy there even if he doesn't make any sense anymore. It's entertaining. Like the time I was visiting him during his dinner and I asked him "How's your supper, Grandpa? Good?" and he grinned widely and yelled, "Christmas tree!" You can find good entertainment in pretty much everything. I mean, he was obviously happy and enjoying his food. Plus, funny!

Then my Mom told us she was dying from cancer. Hmmmm...there's really nothing entertaining to tell you about that. It pretty much sucked.

BUT! Let me tell you what, it was the funniest funeral I have ever been to. No, really. Only I could have a parent die and have so many shenanigans happen at her Celebration of Life.

My Mom was an artist and quite a character and she had many artistic characters show up for her farewell. We truly wanted her day to be a celebration of her life so we held the entire service in the banquet room of the funeral home (charmingly named the 'Rose Room') and skipped the whole pews and so forth. We displayed her art throughout the room. We served a hot buffet meal. We showed a slideshow set to music. And after the family said their eulogies and farewell speeches we invited anyone who wanted to say a few words to come up.

And that's where things got weird.

There was a sudden movement in the middle of the room as a native man lurched up and stood, swaying. He was old and grey and wore a vest and a large cowboy type hat with a feather sticking out of it. Clasping his hands together, he raised them up, closed his eyes and proceeded to give a very emotional, very confusing free-style poem about my Mom.

It went on and on until I finally leaned over to Kevin and whispered, "What the hell is going on?" as I tried not to giggle. Finally he reached the end of his poem, clapped his hands together three time with great authority and quavered, "Linda!" Luckily this is my Mom's name, so that's good. To this day no one has any idea who the hell this guy is.

O-Kay.

Then one of my Mom's friends got up to say a speech. She is a tall, mannish woman. "I've loved a lot of women, " she said, leaning into the mic. "And I loved Linda."

WTF?

I leaned into Kevin again. "Did she just out my Mom at her funeral?" Again, I am trying not to giggle. I mean, my speech stated something like: "I got my love of food and gardening from my Mom..." If I'd heard this woman's speech I might have added, "I got my love of food, gardening and apparently the ladies from my Mom."

Oh, and then one of her best and oldest friends got up and did a long rambling speech. He was very animated and happy and the only part I was able to understand was when he pretended to be her cat Felix hanging on the screen door and yelled, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH DAMN CAT HAHAHA!"

Oh, and another lady got up and told this lame story about how she and her friend were going to visit my Mom...and it was very rambly...and they wanted Chinese food...and when they got to her house my Mom was on the phone...and they started to tease her to bug her and she mouthed, "Shut the fuck up!" to them. Yes, she said "Shut the fuck up" into the mic. Really, it was even better than the time my friend was doing my toast at my wedding and, while telling a charming story about how we are always out of toilet paper, acted out shuffling to the bathroom door with his pants around his ankles and shouted, "HEY! You're out of ass-wipe!" into the mic.

Finally the speeches were all done and we announced that dinner was served. Just as people started to stand up, that native guy suddenly woke up, dropped the doobie he'd been smoking (yes, really) and lurched to his feet for another impromptu poem. With his eyes closed. And his hands raised. With people awkwardly half-standing, unsure as to what to do and the staff holding the covers to the food in mid-air, reluctant to make any noise. At this point Kyle leaned into his girlfriend's ear and whispered, "Awesome!"

All in all it was an entertaining evening. More...entertaining than I'd planned, mind you, but entertaining is good. Mom would have enjoyed it.

Nanny, my Mom and my brother Matthew enjoying a game of horsie in the wild mountain air.

Luxury Cookies

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 05:30:21 GMT

So, a while ago I was having a craving for something yummy. I was in Shopper's Drug Mart picking up a few things and I saw these:

Fresh baked goodness!

Oohh! Luxury Cookies! Why, they looked positively luxurious! I love me a yummy cookie and these promised to deliver so I snatched them up. Mmm! I couldn't wait to sink my greedy teeth into one of these chewy mouth orgasms!

But imagine my disappointment when I opened up the package to find this staring at me. MOCKING ME:

WTF, Luxury Cookie people? WTF?

I looked back at the package image, then over to the broken, crumbly, dry crapfest I was currently holding in my lap. Surely there was some mistake down at the Luxury Cookie Factory that day because they couldn't possibly have the gall to use the word luxury anywhere near these pieces of sawdust. Thanks for nothing.

Yeah, so, they sucked and I was bitter.

The End.

Wow, I really had trouble with the lj cut thingy. Stupid friggin lj cut.

Sat, 09 Feb 2008 09:38:45 GMT

I bet you are all thinking, "I wonder what mr. monkeybottoms did for Halloween this year. I know it was months ago but dammit, I just can't stop wondering!" Well wonder no more, friends!

I was told that we could dress up at my new bookstore job, which made me kinda excited. Cool! I could walk around in something besides the stupid black vests they make us wear. Trust me, no one looks good in those things. So I thought and thought about what I could be for Halloween. I thought and thought again. Then I thought some more. Then I had a drink of milk because milk is yummy and nutritious. Then I thought about it again.

Okay, all of that is a lie, I really didn't think about it all that much. Oh, but I did drink the milk. I love milk.

Oooh boy, was I ever excited about my costume on Halloween morning! I got all ready and drove to work, giggling the whole way. When I walked in most everyone didn't know who I was, which amused me to no end. My costume was really funny! Kyle's girlfriend Rachel squealed and laughed her ass off when she saw me, which was a good sign.

I was a little disappointed to see that only a few people dressed up, and many of the few who did were just wearing cat ears. The old mr. monkeybottoms would have pulled that move but not the new mr. monkeybottoms! No sir! I patted myself on the back for a job well done. I also patted Rachel on the back, cause she was very cute in her Pippi Longstocking outfit:

Cute!!

We had our daily meeting blah blah blah, and the store opened.

After 15 minutes it was clear to me that I'd made a huge mistake. Why? Well, I'd see someone looking for a book and, since it was my job to go help them, I'd go over to them. "Can I help you find your book?" I'd ask them, sweetly. "Oh yes," they'd say, still looking at the bookshelf. "I'm looking for-" Then they'd look up and me and literally gasp in horror. Because they'd hear my cute girl voice, but when they'd look up, they'd see this:

How YOU doin'?

Apparently I make a a very convincing man. TOO CONVINCING. I freaked people out. They'd do that little jump people do when startled. My hilarious costume was all sexual-gender-confusing people! Dammit! I mean come on! Lookit it! I am hilarious! Look at the pose! The expression! The wig! The MUSTACHE! I drove all over the city to find those and this is the thanks I get? (My name tag, btw, reads: Hello, My Name is 70's Undercover Cop)

Rachel succumbs to my manly charms!

I was stuck wearing the outfit all day because I wasn't smart enough to bring a change of clothing. And I am not joking when I say that people were disturbed by me. I took my sunglasses off (another brilliant piece) after a half hour in an attempt to look less hideous, but it really didn't help all that much. Sure the occasional teenage boy laughed but it didn't make up much for all the shocked gasps and freaky looks people gave me. I was very uncomfortable talking to people for the entire day!!!

On the plus side I now know four important things:

1. What my twin brother would look like (ugly)
2. If I was ever on the run from the mob I could hide, quite successfully, in plain sight by dressing like a man
3. If I ever felt the need to prove that I can play soccer just as good as any boy then I could easily pass myself off as my twin brother (see #1) a la 'She's the Man'
4. The next time I want to write a fraudulent check I will have no problem doing so by pretending I am Burton Cummings

Which person was the lead singer for the Guess Who?

Hint: Not me.
Hint: I am the one on the left.

I have to admit that this was not the first time I was mistaken for a boy. When I was 17 I decided that this was the best look for me:

Interesting.

I kept that look up until I was mistaken for a boy at a social:

Surprisingly, I both arrived and left alone.

After that I stopped with the short hair, started wearing makeup and grew breasts. Heck, I even waxed my eyebrows! ...eventually.

To remind you (and maybe even convince you) that I am indeed a girl, I will leave you with this picture comparison of me as a man and of me at my prettiest, which is how I look at all times including when I first wake up, get bloaty during my womanly times and when I have the flu:

The original poster for The Hottie and the Nottie

OH! And the best part of my Halloween? I hadn't gotten candy yet, so I had to go to The Superstore after work. In my costume. And NO ONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE STORE WAS DRESSED UP, NOT EVEN THE LITTLE 4 YEAR OLD BRATTY KID THAT WAS WITH HER PARENTS. Jerks

That's So Monkey

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 17:28:21 GMT

When I was 13 I got a Vikings jersey for Xmas from my Mom's long-time then-boyfriend Neil. Neil was a great guy who was fun and thoughtful and caring and I adored this jersey.

Unfortunately my Mom broke up with Neil so it was not to be, but I remembered him fondly. For years I would tell Kevin about the awesome Vikings jersey I'd gotten for Xmas and how I wore it all the time and how I loved it and how great my Vikings jersey was.

Recently, while looking through some old pictures I came across a photo from the very Xmas I got the Vikings jersey. "Kev! Look! Here I am in my Vikings jersey!" I said happily, holding it up.

KEVIN: That's not a Vikings jersey. That's a Chargers jersey.
ME: What?! But...
KEVIN: Remember Kyle's favorite team? The Vikings? How his jersey is purple and not blue? And the logo is a Viking?
ME: Um...
KEVIN: They don't have lightening bolts on their jerseys. How could you not know that? Why would you think that was a Vikings jersey?
ME: Because! It was all...Thor...throwing down lightening bolts from Mount Olympus and...stuff...
KEVIN: *ignores the Mount Olympus error* I can't believe that all this time you've been telling me about your Vikings jersey and it's a Chargers jersey.

Suffice it to say that everytime we all watch the Vikings on Kyle's new big-ass flat screen LCD or HD or whatever it's called TV I turn to him and say, "Hey, did I ever tell you about my Vikings jersey?" And then he just makes a face.

The best reaction to this picture was from my little brother who wrote: "Why did you get the bad-ass Vikings jersey? Meanwhile im dressed up as a SAILOR! Y - M - C - A ! Where the heck do you get a sailor suit anyways? Steal it from a movie set?"

Hahaha! Also, be advised that the year was 1983 and everyone had stupid giant glasses like that. In fact, my next pair after those were even bigger. Sweet.

What about pasta...let me finish: salad.

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 08:05:23 GMT

Hey, you know how sometimes stuff says stuff on the labels of stuff but you don't really think that's what it means and then it turns out it totally meant what it said on the label? I'm not talking about how those potato chips say they may cause 'anal leakage' and then you totally turn into some kind of crap factory. Anyone can make that mistake once. Not me though.

I mean something more along the lines of the big, beautiful chicken I bought from The Superstore today. Now, on one hand I love The Superstore because it is a one-stop shopping destination with great prices and beautiful produce. Seriously, that produce just begs for me to fondle it. Who can refuse a little apple fondling? Not this cat. BUT, on the other hand, The Superstore makes you bag your own groceries and then they insult you even more by making you pay for the bags too. Of course you can always bring your own bags from home and recycle and keep the Earth green and eat granola and drop acid and hugs trees but what do I look like, some sort of hippie? I don't think so. Mostly I'm just forgetful. I have a lot of Superstore plastic bags in my kitchen drawer.

Oh...right, back to the chicken. I was shopping with Nanny and we were perusing the meat department (hehehehe. That sounds pervy) when I got all excited about the big, beautiful roasting chickens they had for only $8. "Hey Nanny! Check this out!" I called to her and held up the package. "This chicken has the feet on still! How cute!" It was cute, oddly enough. Well, it was to me anyways. Funny, adorable little naked chicken feet. I looked at the label that proclaimed, "chicken with head and feet". I looked, saw the feet, saw the neck, thought nothing more on the subject. We're having chicken soup tonight! Yay! I like soup!

That night I started the soup. The girls were all in the living room, which has a good view to the kitchen. Thinking myself clever and witty, I held up the chicken by the feet. "Hey girls! Check this out! The chicken still has it's little feet on!" I cried, waving the bird about slightly. They all looked and made adorable little 'ew' faces.

"Mom! It's dripping on the floor!" D1 pointed out. I looked down to see it was indeed doing just that so I chucked it into the sink for its rinse before it went into the stew pot. And that's when I saw it.

Now, I'd just like to point out that most things do not bother me about food or carcasses. Skin? Yummy. Fat? Mmmm. Bone? Good for gnawing. I can cut up a chicken or carve a turkey no problem. Kevin can't even eat a chicken thigh because of the bone. I have to carve the chicken and hide the bones before he comes into the room or he will be ill. His whole family is the same way, the weirdos. But me? It's all good. Until...

I looked into the sink. I mean, really looked. "OH MY GOD! IT'S STILL GOT IT'S HEAD ATTACHED!!!!!" I screamed.

The girls all shrieked. "What??"

"THE HEAD! THE HEAD! OMG IT STILL HAS A HEAD! IT'S STILL ON!!"

All four girls (B1 and B2's best friend M was over, as she always is. She's pretty much my 4th daughter) ran into the kitchen to see, which made me panic even more. A few months ago B1 and the best friend M decided to go all vegematarian and it was the most confusing time of my life. Puberty? Pregnancy? Math Exams? Nothing compared to trying to get those two 13 year olds to eat SOMETHING, ANYTHING with protein. And now they were mere steps away from seeing a dead chicken laying in my sink, looking at me with it's accusing cold, blue eyes. I saw another go at the vegetarian thing looming on the horizon.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T LOOK!" They all ignored me and clamored close. "DON'T LOOK! DON'T LOOK!!" I thrust my hand towards the sink, sort of like I was covering the chicken's line of sight. Like that would somehow help.

The room filled with screams of, "OMG! OMG!" as they peered in the sink at the limp little chicken. "It's head! OMG! It had eyes!" Lots of giggling and screeching. And so forth. I'd like to say I wasn't screaming too, but....yeah. It was all just so exciting!

"What? Why? Why would they sell the chicken like that?" D1 asked as they all scurried back to the safety of the living room.

"Well...the label said 'with head and feet'. But..." I couldn't keep a straight face. "I didn't think they meant it! I saw the feet and I saw neck...I just thought they meant...lots of neck. Not...you know. HEAD. WITH EYES! EYES LOOKING AT ME!"

This started a bunch of screaming and laughing and so forth. My own eyes slid back to the sink where the pair of blank and yet strangely sinister eyes gazed back at me. Well! I'd had enough of these shenanigans. "Okay! I've had enough of this!" I announced, once again grabbing the chicken by it's little feet and plopping it soundly on my cutting board. "I'm chopping it's little head off."

More squeals and shouts. I ignored it and cleaver-ed away. One stroke and bye-bye birdie. I also took off the feet, for good measure. I wanted to add them to my chicken stock pot as I've heard they are full of flavor but god forbid if Kevin found out. He'd never eat the soup if I did. The girls all chimed in that they couldn't either if the feet were in it. It's not like they'd STAY in there, it would only be for the stock.

Wusses.

So, you want me to post, eh?

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 07:32:20 GMT

Okay okay, I'll post, I'll post! :-)

Well, fall is once again here which brings the monkeybottoms' family into another cycle of fruit flies. Ah, what a magical time of year this is! How I love it! Those teeny tiny wings, the little beady eyes, the smell of KONK, the not being able to get rid of the little bastards. It's all so wondrous.

We've been fighting the losing battle for a bit now thanks to a lovely bunch of bananas. That's the thanks I get for trying to force some potassium into the girls, I suppose. Thanks for being a good mother, monkeybottoms! Thanks for NOTHING. I swear to god, these fruit flies are going to be the end of me. Kevin is, of course, grimly carrying on with the struggle by being all anal and demanding that there is never a hint of garbage in the can at night and telling us to rinse our dishes and all sorts of crazy stuff. Then he sprays the KONK. I super hate that smell now. Errrgh.

Of course we go to sleep and get up in the morning and go to work and when I get back I discover that one of the twins has left a half-eaten bowl of Cheerios on the kitchen table and the fruit flies are having a jamboree in it. Seriously, a milky bowl of Cheerios is like a friggin fruit fly fertility clinic. Sometimes I forget something too, like the orange sucker from Halloween. I was entertaining myself by letting the dogs lick it on and off throughout the evening while I read my latest book. Whoops! Then I blame it on the girls. Hehehehe.

Hey, remember when I said I hated the smell of KONK? Guess what? I found something that smells worse, like SKUNK. Or, even worse than that, skunk that was sprayed right in your dog's FACE. Yes, poor little Blue got sprayed right in front of our steps. The bratty skunk was looking for garbage. I TOLD Kevin that our dogs didn't eat the neighbour's garbage yesterday but no, he blamed them and cleaned it up. Haha! Chump!

Poor little Blue though. She was so sad. Her little eyes were red and she ended up throwing up twice. Buddy got some on him too, but not nearly as bad. I Googled for a recipe and Kevin and I ran to Shopper's Drug Mart for peroxide, baking soda and dish soap. Kevin insisted on apologizing to EVERY PERSON IN THE STORE for the way we smelled. Thanks Kev. Please, bring more attention to us. But I guess I liked it better than having them all talk about how much we reeked and what a bunch of freakazoids we were and god, why don't they take a BATH?

Blue was so sad she just crawled right into the tub when I told her to, and then she just stood there while I rubbed the mixture into her fur. I wiped her eyes with water a lot and she really seemed to like it. They felt hot, and so did her mouth. But she wasn't teary and they weren't really red anymore, so that was a good sign. Then for good measure she got a dump of tomato juice. I don't think it did much. The other stuff helped. Buddy got the same treatment but he wasn't nearly as passive. He has these long, delicate little deer-legs and he finds the bath tub a slippery place. He fell down once and I felt so bad for him! Klutz. The bathroom was a total disaster area, especially after Buddy panicked, jumped out of the tub and shook, spraying peroxide-baking soda-soap mixture everywhere, making a towel fall into the bucket of peroxide mixture, making me lunge for it and at the same time making me drop the shower hose, making water spray EVERYWHERE, making me scream for Kevin and in general, making the night suck just that much more. It also made me get a nice bumpy peroxide rash on my leg for a while, but it's gone now. Hey, why is my skin all white there? Hmm.

My entire house smells horrid. We have bowls of coffee grounds everywhere, and some of vinegar too. I keep spraying Oust air cleaner but it's no match. The dogs smell much better but not 100%. It is way past my bedtime.

BUT: On the plus side I think the smell killed all the fruit flies.

"I've Got a Bad Feeling About This"

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 03:38:48 GMT

So many questions and no answers to be found. I know this is a beauty pagent from the 80's. I know the woman's name is Stacy Hedger. But what I really want to know is: WHY?

Ok...I guess that I only have one question, not many.

Okay, Now That Just Freaks Me Out

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 00:16:22 GMT

The bookstore has seven computers scattered throughout the store. When one of us see someone trying to use the old, slow, shitty things we are supposed to go offer our help. Not because the computers suck balls but because we are supposed to be like, helpful and stuff. It's pretty hard to be helpful when you are working with the crappiest computers in the wold, but whatever.

One time I spotted a man typing on one of the center isle computes and came over.

"Hi! Can I help you with your..." I trail off as my eyes fall on what he's typed in the search bar: 'How to make your marriage work with your transgendered spouse'. Wow. He, of course, is not pleased that I have shoved my way into this rather personal moment and pretty much tells me to get lost. I do, happily. Now I couldn't care less if you are living with a shemale or a he-she or a furry but if you are going to be all offended when an employee comes to help you and sees what you are looking for then how are you going to manage to pay for it? The hell.

The next day...yes, the next day...I do the exact same thing. Only this time, as I trail off my eyes read, "Herpes" and the middle-aged woman is much nicer. She told me about 10 times how she was so embarrassed but she needed a certain book that she heard about on the Dr. Ruth show. That, and that her ex gave her herpes. And she would have searched for the book at home but her ex also took the computer. This made me mad and I said, "He did that AND he took your computer!? That's bunk!"

That afternoon I walked up to an old man typing away, read, "Lesbians", did a U-turn and walked away. I'm not that retarded.

Oh! But the best search ever? 'Teen sluts'. I don't know who typed that because he was already gone when I came up to the computer. Hey, jackass? This is a bookstore search, not the interweb.

SNL - People Getting Punched Just Before Eating

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:28:31 GMT

Yes, it's stupid and yes it's simple but that is what makes it brilliant.

Kevin was watching SNL and he said, "When SNL comes on again at 12 you have to watch this digital short. It was written, directed and producted by mr. monkeybottoms. It is SO YOU."

And then I watched it and I laughed and laughed and laughed. And then I laughed some more. "Full recovery!" "Zombie dance!"

Rachel and I are going to do the zombie dance at work tomorrow.

Tonight, on a very special update from mr. monkeybottoms...

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 04:08:58 GMT

Hi suckers! How have you all been? I've been massively busy and feel kinda bad for neglecting you so much lately. Or do I??? Yeah, I do. Kinda.

Ok, so what is new? I have SO MUCH to tell. Hmmm. Oh, I know, I have a new job! Yes, I left my office. I didn't have all that many tales to tell you about my office, but my new job involves me working in a large Canadian bookstore that I shall not name by name but let's just call it...Lisa S. No wait, that's too obvious. L. Simpson. There are lots of people coming in and this means I now have lots and lots and LOTS of stories to tell you. Whoot! Stories! And I get to work with Kyle and his girlfriend Rachel! Whoot! Kyle and Rachel! Good times.

My job involves me walking around the store and being my usual awesome self and helping people find their books and so forth. How can this go wrong, you say. Here's an example:

It is the end of my shift on a Friday, the end of my first week. A young man, about 19-20ish, comes up to me and asks for the music section. The entire right side of his face is covered in a massive purple bruise that wraps down to his chin and half of his upper lip, which is noticably swollen. As I lead him to the section I think to myself, "Self." I say, "Self, you need to work on your walk-and-talk skills. Make small talk." So I turn to him, motion towards my own face in example and ask, "So what happened?" I get ready to hear an exciting tale of fighting. Perhaps with roundhouse kicks to the face.

The man is visibly unhappy with me. "It's a birthmark." Sullen.

Yikes. I nod. "Ah." Save this conversation! my brain shrieks. I blink. "...do you get asked that alot?" is what I come up with. Smooth. I mean, c'mon! It's not like he isn't USED to the birthmark.

He scowls. "No." Short and unimpressed. Well, there is no saving this NOW.

I shrug and grin. "So. Just me then? Excellent." And I lead him to his book, hand it to him, and call it a day.

Tomorrow: How I learned to read what people are searching for on the store's computers before I asked if they needed any help.

Bum of monkeybottoms.

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 03:13:42 GMT

Hey kids, it's No Pants Friday! And tomorrow is Justin Timberlake Falls in Love With Monkey Day. Yes, I am going to see him in concert. And yes, I am going with my youngest twin daughter B2. Shut up! I probably won't be the only 37 year old Mom with her 13 year old daughter at the concert because JT is made entirely of Awesome Deliciousness. Mmmm, awesome deliciousness. So delicious.

So, I have this problem with my pants. They keep falling off in front of Justin Timberlake! Haha, no no, that's not true. I have that issue that many girls have when they bend over or crouch down and suddenly there is all this ass cleavage everywhere. I can't help it! I have to wear the lower cut style of jeans or the waist is up to my ribs and I look like I'M FIFTY! I'M fifty and I like to KICK, strrrrrretch, AND KICK! Anyone ever see that Molly Shannon bit? It's hilarious. She hosted not too long ago and did that character and at one point she hiked up a leg, gestured to her crotch, pulled her pants up tight and showed off her camel toe to the world while saying, "I like to call this my Desert Rose!" Freaking brilliant. Seriously! I could see her vag! *wipes tear*

So what was I talking about? Oh yeah, my ass. I bend down, panties and bum everywhere, and then Kevin says, "Jesus, get that under control." And then I am sad. At least I am not wearing a thong and doing it on purpose. OR AM I!! No. No I'm not. I was just kidding there.

So anyways, in conclusion I am going jogging.

Oh Nanny! It's like some kind of wacky sitcom.

Wed, 15 Aug 2007 05:24:40 GMT

My Nanny and Grandpa could be the stars in a sitcom. It would be called, "Oh That Nanny!" and there would be hijinks and nutty misunderstandings and mistaken identities and a laugh track. It would premiere at number 40 on the charts and then quickly get cancelled, but then people would discover it and it would become a cult favorite.

Here's one scene: I'm having dinner with Nanny, Grandpa, Kevin, my brother Matt, his girlfriend Cindy and her brother Sean. This was the first time meeting Sean, and Nanny was quite excited. Cindy and Sean are gorgeous and they are from Trinidad and Tobago.

Nanny has cooked up a storm and is delighted that Sean is enjoying her home-made perogies. She all but points to him and exclaims in delight, "Look! Look! He likes them!", obviously meaning, "Look! Brown people like our food!" This makes all of us (except Grandpa, who has slipped further into Dementia) giggle. Then we all happen to catch the 'WTF' expression on Kevin's face, which makes us burst out laughing. Then Grandpa said, "I hope we sell the house soon" and we all nod, despite the fact that the house was sold over two years ago and we were sitting in their apartment. Ah Dementia, why must you suck so bad?

After dinner Matt, Cindy and Sean left. Kevin and I were going to hang out with Kyle and his girlfriend Rachel. SInce they live so close by they walked over and came upstairs to say hello. After a short visit, we got up to leave. Nanny asked what we are going to do tonight and I told her, "Watch a movie, I guess."

"Oh," she says, "A sexy movie?"

Um...

I tilt my head at her. "Erm, no. Just a regular movie. Maybe a comedy."

(Cue laugh track)