Grandpa got really sick and almost died and was in the hospital for a long time. Then he was in a different hospital, in the geriatric ward, which sucked. His dementia just got so bad that we were forced to put him there. Luckily he is in a nursing home now, close to our house. He seems pretty happy there even if he doesn't make any sense anymore. It's entertaining. Like the time I was visiting him during his dinner and I asked him "How's your supper, Grandpa? Good?" and he grinned widely and yelled, "Christmas tree!" You can find good entertainment in pretty much everything. I mean, he was obviously happy and enjoying his food. Plus, funny!

Then my Mom told us she was dying from cancer. Hmmmm...there's really nothing entertaining to tell you about that. It pretty much sucked.

 BUT! Let me tell you what, it was the funniest funeral I have ever been to. No, really. Only I could have a parent die and have so many shenanigans happen at her Celebration of Life.

My Mom was an artist and quite a character and she had many artistic characters show up for her farewell. We truly wanted her day to be a celebration of her life so we held the entire service in the banquet room of the funeral home (charmingly named the 'Rose Room') and skipped the whole pews and so forth.  We displayed her art throughout the room. We served a hot buffet meal. We showed a slideshow set to music. And after the family said their eulogies and farewell speeches we invited anyone who wanted to say a few words to come up.

And that's where things got weird.

There was a sudden movement in the middle of the room as a native man lurched up and stood, swaying. He was old and grey and wore a vest and a large cowboy type hat with a feather sticking out of it.  Clasping his hands together, he raised them up, closed his eyes and proceeded to give a very emotional, very confusing free-style poem about my Mom.

It went on and on until I finally leaned over to Kevin and whispered, "What the hell is going on?" as I tried not to giggle. Finally he reached the end of his poem, clapped his hands together three time with great authority and quavered, "Linda!" Luckily this is my Mom's name, so that's good. To this day no one has any idea who the hell this guy is.

O-Kay.

Then one of my Mom's friends got up to say a speech.  She is a tall, mannish woman. "I've loved a lot of women, " she said, leaning into the mic. "And I loved Linda."

WTF?

I leaned into Kevin again. "Did she just out my Mom at her funeral?" Again, I am trying not to giggle. I mean, my speech stated something like:  "I got my love of food and gardening from my Mom..." If I'd heard this woman's speech I might have added, "I got my love of food, gardening and apparently the ladies from my Mom."

Oh, and then one of her best and oldest friends got up and did a long rambling speech. He was very animated and happy and the only part I was able to understand was when he pretended to be her cat Felix hanging on the screen door and yelled, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH DAMN CAT HAHAHA!"

Oh, and another lady got up and told this lame story about how she and her friend were going to visit my Mom...and it was very rambly...and they wanted Chinese food...and when they got to her house my Mom was on the phone...and they started to tease her to bug her and she mouthed, "Shut the fuck up!" to them. Yes, she said "Shut the fuck up" into the mic. Really, it was even better than the time my friend was doing my toast at my wedding and, while telling a charming story about how we are always out of toilet paper, acted out shuffling to the bathroom door with his pants around his ankles and shouted, "HEY! You're out of ass-wipe!" into the mic.

Finally the speeches were all done and we announced that dinner was served. Just as people started to stand up, that native guy suddenly woke up, dropped the doobie he'd been smoking (yes, really) and lurched to his feet for another impromptu poem. With his eyes closed. And his hands raised. With people awkwardly half-standing, unsure as to what to do and the staff holding the covers to the food in mid-air, reluctant to make any noise. At this point Kyle leaned into his girlfriend's ear and whispered, "Awesome!"

All in all it was an entertaining evening. More...entertaining than I'd planned, mind you, but entertaining is good. Mom would have enjoyed it.




Nanny, my Mom and my brother Matthew enjoying a game of horsie in the wild mountain air.