Wow, I really had trouble with the lj cut thingy. Stupid friggin lj cut.


I bet you are all thinking, "I wonder what mr. monkeybottoms did for Halloween this year. I know it was months ago but dammit, I just can't stop wondering!" Well wonder no more, friends!

I was told that we could dress up at my new bookstore job, which made me kinda excited. Cool! I could walk around in something besides the stupid black vests they make us wear. Trust me, no one looks good in those things. So I thought and thought about what I could be for Halloween. I thought and thought again. Then I thought some more. Then I had a drink of milk because milk is yummy and nutritious. Then I thought about it again.

Okay, all of that is a lie, I really didn't think about it all that much. Oh, but I did drink the milk. I love milk.

Oooh boy, was I ever excited about my costume on Halloween morning! I got all ready and drove to work, giggling the whole way. When I walked in most everyone didn't know who I was, which amused me to no end. My costume was really funny! Kyle's girlfriend Rachel squealed and laughed her ass off when she saw me, which was a good sign.

I was a little disappointed to see that only a few people dressed up, and many of the few who did were just wearing cat ears. The old mr. monkeybottoms would have pulled that move but not the new mr. monkeybottoms! No sir! I patted myself on the back for a job well done. I also patted Rachel on the back, cause she was very cute in her Pippi Longstocking outfit:


Cute!!

We had our daily meeting blah blah blah, and the store opened.

After 15 minutes it was clear to me that I'd made a huge mistake. Why? Well, I'd see someone looking for a book and, since it was my job to go help them, I'd go over to them. "Can I help you find your book?" I'd ask them, sweetly. "Oh yes," they'd say, still looking at the bookshelf. "I'm looking for-" Then they'd look up and me and literally gasp in horror. Because they'd hear my cute girl voice, but when they'd look up, they'd see this:


How YOU doin'?

Apparently I make a a very convincing man. TOO CONVINCING. I freaked people out. They'd do that little jump people do when startled. My hilarious costume was all sexual-gender-confusing people! Dammit! I mean come on! Lookit it! I am hilarious! Look at the pose! The expression! The wig! The MUSTACHE! I drove all over the city to find those and this is the thanks I get? (My name tag, btw, reads: Hello, My Name is 70's Undercover Cop)


Rachel succumbs to my manly charms!

I was stuck wearing the outfit all day because I wasn't smart enough to bring a change of clothing. And I am not joking when I say that people were disturbed by me. I took my sunglasses off (another brilliant piece) after a half hour in an attempt to look less hideous, but it really didn't help all that much. Sure the occasional teenage boy laughed but it didn't make up much for all the shocked gasps and freaky looks people gave me.  I was very uncomfortable talking to people for the entire day!!!

On the plus side I now know four important things:

1. What my twin brother would look like (ugly)
2. If I was ever on the run from the mob I could hide, quite successfully, in plain sight by dressing like a man
3. If I ever felt the need to prove that I can play soccer just as good as any boy then I could easily pass myself off as my twin brother (see #1) a la 'She's the Man'
4. The next time I want to write a fraudulent check I will have no problem doing so by pretending I am Burton Cummings



Which person was the lead singer for the Guess Who?

Hint: Not me.
Hint: I am the one on the left.

I have to admit that this was not the first time I was mistaken for a boy. When I was 17 I decided that this was the best look for me:


Interesting.

I kept that look up until I was mistaken for a boy at a social:


Surprisingly, I both arrived and left alone.

After that I stopped with the short hair, started wearing makeup and grew breasts. Heck, I even waxed my eyebrows! ...eventually.

To remind you (and maybe even convince you) that I am indeed a girl, I will leave you with this picture comparison of me as a man and of me at my prettiest, which is how I look at all times including when I first wake up, get bloaty during my womanly times and when I have the flu:

The original poster for The Hottie and the Nottie

OH! And the best part of my Halloween? I hadn't gotten candy yet, so I had to go to The Superstore after work. In my costume. And NO ONE ELSE IN THE ENTIRE STORE WAS DRESSED UP, NOT EVEN THE LITTLE 4 YEAR OLD BRATTY KID THAT WAS WITH HER PARENTS. Jerks