Hiya suckers! How are you all doing?
Okay, I have been AWOL for quite some time now. Sure sure, I posted some brilliant Robot Chicken Star Wars youtube stuff a while ago but that doesn't really count as a post, you know? It's not like I was writing anything. But...haha...oh man, it was funny. That Seth Green is one funny guy. I think I might put him on The List. You know, The List, like from Friends. Everyone always makes fun of my list because it is usually full of old guys. Whatever. Christopher Walken will be on The List until the day he dies...and even then I might keep him on out of respect. He is just that awesome. And Jeff Goldblum isn't all that old anyways.

The reason I was gone for so long was because we were once again renovating. Then our basement flooded and we had more renos. And then I couldn't come up with anything funny to write. Sure my job at the office is full of...well..not excitement...or new people to make fun of...or...well...um...yeah.

But then I did something. Something different! I WENT OUT. Out! Out to something other than a restaurant or to Kyle and Rachel's or to a movie theater. I went to the seediest bar in town...and then followed that up with a trip to the nicest bar in town. It was a very strange night.

We started off at The Royal Albert Arms. This place is known for being a dive, but also for being a place to go to watch great bands, which is why we were there. But let me tell you: there were some interesting characters there, like the couple that was necking outside next to the door. I saw them inside later on in the night and whoa, that girl was a mess.

ME: (doing a voice-over of the drunken girl across the room) Oh wow...I'm sooo drunk! Ooops! The floor is wobbly! Mmm...your hair is pretty. Let me rest my face against your neck for a moment. Ugh...I feel ill. Oh look! Lookit my panties! You can't see them? Here, I'll lift my dress for you...oh, my arms are tired. I can't lift it all the way. I love you. What's your name again?

The royal Albert was full of characters. There was an old man who'd put on his very best 80's leather jacket over his t-shirt and jean capris just for the occasion, and grizzled bear of a man with long hippie hair that kept doing a strange kicking dance with arms flailing. That was just plain unnerving. I also saw three Bettie Pages, one Pete Wentz and a Jay who was missing his Silent Bob. The scariest part about that one was Jay was female. Kinda.

So our friends show, we watch the first band that we'd come down to see, the crowd at the stage thrash-dance and scream, some rounds are bought and the next thing we know we're walking over to another bar, The Empire. Now I just need to point out that I'd dressed for The Royal Albert which meant jeans and a cool t-shirt and some kicky heels. I'd never even been to this Empire place, but the sign at the door said, "Dress Code in Effect" and I was understandably nervous. Luckily the other girl in our group, James' girlfriend that I like to call Boomer, was wearing a little black dress and we were shooed right in.

It was like entering some kind of date-rape drug bar investigation scene from CSI: Miami. You know, the gorgeous place with tall ceilings  that has only attractive bartenders pouring fancy drinks to a room that is full of young, hot, beautiful rich people all moving to techno while some Latino girl does fancy dance moves on stage.  Old, fat, ugly rich men are kissing young, beautiful blondes with fake breasts and some Japanese Hard Gay guy is dancing with another Japanese girl and her friend. The Japanese girl has these ridiculous giant fake eyelashes her friend is wearing what can only be described as a one piece black bathingsuit and let's just say she was not pulling it off and leave it at that. Young girls in short dresses and high heels stumble by, holding their forehead and looking out of it while young jocks follow them.  All we needed was for Horatio to show up and start looking for evidence.

Then Rod turns to me and says, "Let's go downstairs, they have an Oxygen bar there." and I say, "Are you kidding me?" and he says, "No! They're flavoured, strawberry, blueberry..." and I just kinda look at him.  I can't see any downstairs but sure enough, Boomer leads the way down a hall to a stairway and I find myself in a beautiful room that is decorated like some rich guy's basement. It was small yet roomy, and intimate and inviting and yuppie and lame all rolled into one. There was a group of young kids dancing. One guy was wearing dresspants, dress shirt and a vest, with emo hair and eyeliner. Another beautiful girl with long dark hair was dressed in black pants and a small spaghetti-strap shirt that didn't go past her ribs. She held two laser lights in her hands and was doing some kid of arm-twirly dancing. It was quite trippy and rave-ish.

The oxygen bar was no longer there so we went back upstairs and stood by the stage and watched some serial killer guy in sweats stare at the dancefloor. I finally dragged Kevin out at 1:20. As we walked back to our car I said, "What the fuck just happened to the last five hours of my life??" and we died laughing.

Then I had Wendy's and it was awesome. Seriously, that was the best burger I have ever had in my entire life, so it was all worth it.