A post for devilpiglet Love ya!

Hey, remember when I got my braces on and I was all sad and stuff because my teeth felt huge and they hurt and I lisped and I looked stupid? Well, tomorrow I get them off! Whoot! No more stupid elastics, no more stupid trying to floss, no more stupid little pieces of plastic wedged in the wires to turn my teeth, making it look like I always have a piece of food in my braces…no more stupid braces! Yay!

On the down side, no more looking like a schoolgirl. Boys like the braces. I’ve had a few guys say this to me, that they find braces hot. Guys are odd and very naughty. Then again, they said that to me when I had my hair in pigtails and was wearing a plaid skirt and eating a lollypop. Ha! I kid! You can’t eat lollypops when you have braces.

Two week ago I took B1 to the dentist because one of her fillings had fallen out of her molar. Luckily it was a babytooth. I was also scheduled to see the dentist because I had developed a very painful tooth and wanted them to look at it. After X-rays and prodding my dentist told me what I had feared-I needed a root canal.

"BUT I GET MY BRACES OFF IN TWO WEEKS!” I shouted, as if that meant anything.

The nurse and dentist kept peering into my mouth. “That tooth looks so good too,” the nurse said, sympathetically. “It’s such a shame.”

The Dr. Dentist agreed. Yeah yeah, whatever. “How much is this going to cost me?” I asked. Dr. Dentist paused delicately. “About $700.”

 I frowned.

After that we went to check up on B1. Dr. Dentist said, “We need to pull the tooth that the filling fell out of ($80). It’s cracked in two. Also, we need to pull this tooth, ($80) it is blocking the new tooth coming through. Oh, and B1 will definitely need braces, you should look into that right away.”

Then I fell to my knees, tore out chunks of my hair, raised my fists to the air and screamed, “WHY DO YOU SMITE ME O LORD!!!!!” while little dollar bills with wings flew away from my head, just like in the cartoons. It wasn’t really a surprise that she needed the braces because last year she had two teeth growing out of the side of her head. Ok ok, not the side of her head, but actually the front of her gums. It was alarming and I’d asked Dr. Dentist if this was going to bite me on the ass financially but he’d told me we’d have to wait and see when the baby teeth fell out and the adult teeth started to move down. Well, I guess the answer to my question is YES SHE NEEDS BRACES and I need to win the lottery. Maybe when they take the braces off Daughter #1 they can just smack them right on B1. If B2 needs braces I am going to throw myself out the dentist office's window. I won't fall far, seeing as it is ground level, but I think my point will come across nicely.

When I got back to work later that day my boss asked me how it went. “Worst visit to the doctor ever!” I shouted. He didn’t ask me anything else for the rest of the day. I think my weeping and giant bald spots from all the hair rending scared him.

Two days later I went to the specialist for the root canal. He did a lot of tests and looked confused, probably because the tests proved that I was a Cylon. Ironically, my tooth didn’t hurt at all, even when he put the dry ice tube on it. This was odd because the day before I couldn’t even drink lukewarm water without it throbbing. He concluded that I might not need the root canal after all, and advised me to return in two weeks after the braces were removed for a new X-ray, to see if the swelling was down. Whatever. I took my $700 and ran. I was so happy that I didn’t even care when I slipped on ice and fell down in the snow like a big loser. I just yelled, “Haha, suck it, root canal!” which startled the homeless guy walking by me.

On Friday I got a letter from my Hippie Orthodontist. It said, "Just a friendly reminder, your braces must be paid in full before removal!"

I still owe $800.

Do I look like I have $800 laying around? Just to be sure, I looked under the throw rug in the living room. Nope, no extra hundreds laying THERE. Hello? I seem to recall something called a 'payment plan' that we agreed on. The payment plan doesn't really work if you sudenly leap out of the bushes and scream, "Oh, by the way, pay the remainder RIGHT NOW!!!" I tell you what, I am getting those braces off tomorrow if I have to do it myself. And I will. I'm sure I have a pair of pliers somewhere in my house.

On the plus side, at least we have insurance for B1. Thanks for nothing, Jesus!

Also, my font seems to keep changing.