mr. monkeybottoms' wild ride of wacky funtime reading

WTF?

( Read more... )

Yes, this is how I spend my time. *hangs head in shame*

Anyone my age and older knows these by heart. I asked the twins, who are 15, if they knew them and they didn't. I'll have to ask D1, she's 19. 


"The Big Snit"

Hilarious stuff. When this first came out, for years afterwards we'd shout, "Shakin' yur eyes here! Shakin' yur eyes there! Why don't you go join...some...shaka-rockin-roll band!"




"The Log Driver's Waltz"
This little short was on TV all the time when I was little. I can sing it word for word.




"Faces"

Another short that played all the time when I was young. The final two faces always depressed me. Thanks guys. Thanks for the metaphor or whatever omg.


ETA: Stupid embedding. Damn you to hell.

FYI: Did you read my last post? Half of it went missing, but it's fixed and it makes a bit more sense...well, as much sense as I make at the best of times. Go peek and see if you read the half-version, shrugged, and muttered, "Well, I guess monkey is drunk. What else is new?"

So, Kyle is now an honest man and no longer living in sin. This is probably for the best as the Devil is kinda a jerk and would really get a kick out of dragging someone to hell just cause they lived together and never officially tied the knot:

DEVIL: To hell with you! Literally.
KYLE: But why? I've lived a good and decent life.
DEVIL: You never married, and had sexual relations with your lady friend. SINNER.
KYLE: You've got to be kidding me. What about the time I rescued that baby kitten from drowning?
DEVIL: Doesn't matter, sin-lover!
KYLE: But I gave to charity!
DEVIL: Too bad.
KYLE: But...I invented the cure for cancer! That has to count for something!
DEVIL: HA! You'd think, right? But no. So off we go to eternal damnation Yay!

Kyle picked a fabulous girl. Rachel is sweet and fun and kind and she is a really nice hostess. Even after all these years she always offers us stuff and asks if there is anything she can do. Tea? Water? Anything? When people come to my house they're lucky if I answer the door. Which I don't. Like' I've said before, if you ring my doorbell I am suspicious and I think you are a Mormon. OH NO! Mormons!

And now, on to the pictures! Yay! Lots and lots of pictures! Who wants to look at pictures? YOU DO.

Warning: Many pictures under the cut, but hey, on the plus side, pictures. Seriously, there's a lot of pics. LOOK AT THEM. *shakes fist*
( Wedding stuff and stuff about weddings and stuff )

Hello all! Ok, enough about you, let's talk about what I did last night. So hush.
( BOOBIES )

 
Hello suckers!

How are things down in LJ Land?

Ok, enough about you, shut up and listen to my funny story.

So we're starting another round of renos down in the House of Monkey. This time it's the upstairs bathroom, kitchen and the front and back yard. This is pretty exciting to us as we somehow own the world's smallest tub. Seriously. I'm five-four and I can barely fit in it.  Kevin used to roll his eyes when I would complain about it but I was redeemed when the contractors took one look at the stupid thing and chuckled. 

"So..." they said, trying to look polite as they grinned. "So what do you think about your tub?"

I put my hands on my hips. "You know when you think to yourself, 'Oh man, I could really use a nice, hot bath' and you run the tub and you get in and it's the worst idea you've had all day? Yeah, that's this tub."

They laughed and said the tub was a joke. HA! Suck it Kevin! I was right!

I'm also excited about the kitchen as our cupboards are on their last legs. Yesterday B1 leaned on the door of the lazy susan as she peered inside for a pot and the thing ripped off and just hung limply by one screw. She looked up at me with a cringey expression but I made a face and said, "Dude. Who cares? All of this crap is going to be torn out anyways. Here..." and I grabbed the door and Bruce Bannered it right off the wall and hucked it into a corner and brushed off my hands contentedly. Wellllll done, monkey. Well done!

I was working the late shift at the bank last night when Kevin called me to tell me that they'd started working on the deck in our back yard. Yay! I am so pumped. We've never had a deck before. I am gonna sit on that deck so much it won't know what hit it.

So anyways, I was excited and I told him to get D1 to take a picture of it with her fancy iPhone and email it to me at work. 

This is what she sent me. It also makes her FTW forever:

( Brilliant and sophisticated wit under here! )

Hahahaahahahahaahaha! I just about died when I saw it. Then I emailed it to my favorite co-worker K who also died and told me, "That photo made me night. I loved it so much I sent it to my home email and I'm going to use it as my Facebook photo."  

 i'm a  poop face!
 
lololol

oh no i'm coming down the stairs!

Leeeeeeroyyyyyyy Jennnnnkinsssss!

www.youtube.com/watch

P.S. Yes, the shameful truth comes out...I don't know how to embed. I do what it says...but it no worky. I suck.

P.P.S. Yay! ms_scarletibis showed me the way. I really do suck cause it was both easy and obvious. Wheee!


 

 
Ok, so my cell phone is mostly broken.  Out of the blue, yesterday, a piece falls out of the top and suddenly the buttons on the left side won't work. Then the front screen won't work. Today, both front AND inside screens don't work. Wtf Motorola? Wtf? It's like 2 years old. Stupid piece of crap.

No problem, I say to myself. I've ordered a new phone and used up all those old Fido dollars. Cool. I'll just go and pull out one of my old cell phones from my drawers and use it for the week until new, cool phone arrives. No problem. 

Things found in my drawers:

-tons of old restaurant receipts from when Kevin was self-employed last year. Forgot to give them to him when we filed taxes. BLERG.
-love letters from my Mom's married lover, given to me by her ex-boyfriend (not the married lover) when she passed away last year. Ew.
-the stuffed banana lovebytez made me. Awwwww! *heart*
-old Neil Diamond concert ticket YES!
-old Beach Boys concert ticket NO! Worst. Concert. Ever.
-cardboard 3-D glasses from 'Spy Kids 3' Yes, really. Also, why?
-a Canada Savings Bond for $100 for B2. Oh yeah....I should give that to her
-pearls from my pearl necklace that I wore on my wedding day that is broken thanks to B1 and B2. Jerks!
-4 different chargers for old cell phones
-funny picture of Kyle and old girlfriend wearing matching 'Roots' sweatshirts at a party. HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAAAH!!!
-Canadian Tire money totaling a cool $0.20
-one Swiffer duster sans duster
-D1's grade 4 report card. (she graduated last year)
-a jumbo pack of sewing needles
-small bottle of spirt gum for applying fake mustaches
-a bag of dog biscuits
-a bag of jelly beans. Oooh, score. Nomnomnom
-a bag of door stops. What the hell?
-the pinking shears I was looking for yesterday
-a box of really cute Xmas cards (I don't send them, I just get them because they are pretty. I always *act* like I am going to send them, for SURE, THIS time...but I don't)
-more Canadian Tire money, to the mind-boggling amount of $0.10
-the warranty to my brand-new ShamWow! I haven't used it yet but I bet I'll say wow.


Guess what I didn't find in my drawers? A CELL PHONE. I doubt that I have ever thrown one away, and yet they are not there. I have 4 old chargers, but no old cell.  DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

Ok, maybe not you. But....YOU for sure!

Edited to add: And now there is no sound. There is power, cause the number screen lights up. But no display and no sound. So it is officially done. Why God, why?????? Stupid stupid phone. I curse you! I curse you like the Gypsy woman in those scary trailers for the movie where she has to go to hell! You go to hell too, phone! You go to hell and you die!

I guess I should stop procrastinating and go jog. BLERG!

Edited to add again: Went jogging. Pants fell down. BLERG!

IF THERE'S ONE THING I HATE IT'S...oh wait, my caps lock was on.

If there's one thing I hate it's the fact that, for some inexplicable reason, old gross men find me both attractive and apparently eager to be hit on by old gross themselves. 

Now, before I go on I have to put a disclaimer:

When I say old gross men I am obviously not talking about my husband. Ok Kevin? Happy now? Geeze, you put one Twitter update about being a magnet for old fat men and all your friends jump all over that. Thanks, friends. Thanks for mutton.

Anyways, I don't know what it is but it is starting to bug me. Take, for instance, the guy that comes into the bank where I work. He comes in quite often, and he always follows the same pattern: arrives an hour early for his appointment, asks me if we have any decaf, I say no but offer to make him a pot just for him (hoping he will say no, like any other rational person) he says yes, drinks 2 cups, then asks me to take him to the washroom.

And this is where it...whoa whoa whoa! The Princess Bride is on! Oooh, that Cary Elwes is mighty fine in that movie. As you wish, eh? Heheheheheh.

Ok ok, so where was I? 

And this is where it always gets icky. Obviously, being a bank, we don't have a public washroom. So I have to take him way into the back of our huge bank, past the huge locked door that reaches all the way to the ceiling, past the cublicles, past the lunchroom, down the hall, past the book vault and down the other hall to our washrooms. 

As we walk he always says the same thing, "My wife gets mad at me for talking to the girls here. Heheheheh. You're pretty. Hehehehe. Your hair is pretty. Hehehehe."

This makes my skin crawl, and I am hard to creep out. Honestly, I am.  It's just that he makes me do it every time he comes, twice a night and he's very very icky with his missing teeth, pot belly, balding head and creepy chuckle. Apparently he also has terrible gas because in his appointments with the manager he always lets 'er rip and stinks up the room. NICE. 

Sometimes his wife comes too. When she does she tells him not to be ridiculous when he asks for decaf. The last time they came I made a point of gauging her expression when we returned from the ritualistic bathroom trip and she WAS mad! Yikes. She's always nice to me at least.

There was a 6 week run where he came in every Thursday. Lucky me. HOW FLATTERING. Thank you Jesus!

Then one morning I was stopped at a red light and checking the status of my hair. I happened to glance over to the right to the man in the car next to me. He grinned and blew me a kiss. The guy looked exactly like Rene Angelil. You know, Celine Dion's husband? 


YEAH. GREAT.

Seriously, if I wasn't 100% positive that were would be no reason in hell that Rene would be in Winnipeg I would have sworn it was him. But, more importantly, WTF? Why God, why?

Oh, and then to top off my run of lame I had this loser guy say to me, as we chatted while he was at the bank, "Candies huh? Candies are so full of sugar. People like you and me need to stay away from them." And then he proceeded to motion towards his midsection. Really, buddy? Really? You just don't say that to a girl, jackass. I've been working out again, so there! And my body is a work in progress, ok?! Geeze!


...I'm kinda dizzy right now from scrubbing my shower with bleach cleaner.

Oh, we bought 30 Rock season 1 and 2 and we've all been watching it. Apparently I am Liz Lemon. And 'Lanie' from Seinfeld.  I'm okay with that.

 
After work I went to the Superstore and did some grocery shopping. I always have good intentions of hurrying, going in and out, all business and no pleasure but it inevitably spirals into me strolling down the makeup isles and the appliance isles and the gardening sections and suddenly my no-nonsense shop has turned into me being there for over an hour. 

While I was lollygagging around the yogurt I noticed that I could hear strange noises drifting in and out over the music and the general crowd shopping sounds. Strange, scary noises. Strange, unclear and dangerous shouting noises. Now, being the clever, levelheaded person that I am, I immediately knew what it was.

Zombies.

Ok, so maybe it turned out not to be zombies after all. Maybe it turned out to be the stupid fit people doing their stupid step class in the gym that is in the upper level of the Superstore. And maybe it actually took me some time to figure out where the muffled shouting and stomping noises were coming from. Maybe I had to wander through the meat isle over to the bakery before I figured it out. 

Wait...I lost my train of thought.

Anyways, it's good to know that I am always prepared. For...stuff.

Can someone please link me to a download for season 5 eps 1 and 2 of Lost? I would be forever grateful and send you naked pictures...maybe of me, maybe of someone else, maybe your Mom. Maybe I'll send the pictures I took of you when I was peeking through your windows that time. Who knows what kinds of nakedness you will get. Who knows...

Thanks, suckers!!

 
Here's a list of upcoming entries...that will be...coming...up. Soon.  Yay! 

1. B1 collapses after her ski trip and we take her to the ER. Shenanigans abound! SPOILER ALERT: B1 survives and becomes first woman President.

2. My new job. SPOILER ALERT: It rules and I become first woman President.

3. mr. monkeybottoms gets two ''celebrities' confused. Hilarity ensues. SPOILER ALERT: My dog becomes first woman President. Also likes to dig holes in backyard.

4.  F YOU MICHAEL MOORE. SPOILER ALERT: I become first woman President and pass bill to ban douchebaggery in all forms, especially 'film maker' Michael Moore 's crapfest 'Sicko' . Also: Michael Moore is a douchebag.

5. Movies I've seen that you should see. Because I say so. SPOILER ALERT: I am elected first woman President and invent Big Mac that makes you lose weight and also tones tummy. World rejoices.

STAY TUNED for these exciting updates, suckers!

 

I think I have spoken often and at great length about my love for Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe . They are numbers 1, 2 and 3 on The List. If you missed any of my posts about them, here's a quick recap:
( Read on, suckers! Read on! )

A few months ago I decided I'd had enough. I made an executive decision. I bought myself a new computer. Not just any computer, but a laptop. And not just any laptop, a MacBook. Yay! 

Only wait. One of the things I was really looking forward to doing with my new computer was vidding. I've had two vids mapped out in my head for years now and yesterday I was struck with a new vid idea so brilliant it made my head spin with the brilliance of the brilliant idea. And then the vid idea sparkled in the sun like a million sparkly things. I call it 'Vidlight'

YAY. What are you waiting for, you say. Come on monkeybottoms. Show us this so-called 'brilliant' video if you're so smart. FINE. I WILL.

Only I can't. All my editing programs are for PCs. OMGWTF. Whyyyyyy? Why didn't I think of that when I ran all willy-nilly to the nearest store, grabbed the nearest hot salesman and shouted in his face, "I NEED A MACBOOK RIGHT NOW OR I WILL DIE FOR REALZ!" Why didn't I remember that I didn't have Photoshop for a Mac or Premiere for a Mac? I mean sure, having the built in webcam is awesome for my online sex shows (hahah, kidding. Or am I?) but it isn't good for the one thing I was really looking forward to doing with it. The world needs yet another BTVS video in it and I need to give it one. 

So: suggestions. I needs 'em. What do you Macbook peeples use? Final Cut is sooo expensive. What else is good? 

Also: All helpful replies will receive naked pictures of ME. NAKED. In picture form. For real! I swear! Suckers!

I went to go visit my Grandpa at the nursing home on Sunday. The staff was just getting him up and were washing and dressing him so I wandered over to the 'library' section to find something to read while I waited. The library is just a lot of books shoved into a couple of long shelves that no one can reach because it is too high up. I had to stand on my actual tippy toes to reach the book I wanted and by that I mean I went on pointe like a ballerina. And no, in my years of ballet and jazz I never went on pointe so it was not a pleasant experience. 

What caught my eye that I put myself through such turmoil to reach it?  

There is nothing better than starting your day with a big-ass piece of white cake for breakfast. Mmmm! Cake! Cake with icing that doesn't have a lick of dairy in it...that sounds nutritious! So I already suck as far as healthy eating goes. Yay me!

Here's a few fun facts!

( Read more... )

In other news, this is how I spend most of my free time: dlisted.com/node/29141
OMG!

There was an election? Wow, I had no idea. I mean...I didn't hear anything about it on TV or the papers or magazines or the radio or Joe the plumber. And I definitely haven't hear a PEEP about it on my flist.

Who's this Obama guy?


And all this time I though Sarah Palin was a new SNL character. 

Hey suckers! I have had one heck of a busy, crazy whirlwind ride of a year.  I keep meaning to post but then more crazy whirlwind things happen and I get all busy and stuff. It sucks cause then I'm doing stuff and not updating and then I think "hey I should update" and then I fall asleep cause I'm exhausted. But I will try to do a quick catch-up:

So, a while ago I was having a craving for something yummy. I was in Shopper's Drug Mart picking up a few things and I saw these: